How many of you have ever wished you could act out some scenes in Hollywood movies, for example, where a young guy or girl within the ages of 14 and 19 would just walk into the house and announce “Hello mum! I’ve got a boy/girlfriend! And I’m sleeping over at his place this weekend (for the girls)”

Eh? Please erase that thought from your head with immediate alacrity and send it back to the abyss before it plunges you to early grave in your own home. Let’s be frank here, I’m a Nigerian; and as a Nigerian, with typical Nigerian parents,  depending on what part of the country you’re from and where you grew up, we can tell what your future will be like for the next few days in the house. Hehe.

Igbo parents: “Papa Nkechi! Biko bia godi. Come before I kill this girl o! She has finally joined gang!” The Igbo mother then draws her ear and continues “Nkechi what did you say?” while the twisting of the ear continues followed by one or two “abaras” (heavy slap with wide open palm on the back). At this point, Papa Nkechi shows up and sits on one couch opposite mother and daughter, cleaning his teeth and clearing his throat continuously…

“Woman, what has your daughter done?” Igbo men eh. It’s only when the child has done something wrong that s/he becomes the Mother’s child. From this point onwards,  Nkechi will be forced to explain where she met the guy, what they discussed the first time they met, the kind of business his father does, what tribe he is from, how many gift items she has got from him, if she knows his house and has been there (if yes, you’re in hot soup) and usually “are you sure you’re not pregnant because I will not accept any child in this house!”

It usually ends in very long talks of your family history and how you must not drag the family name in the mud, how your uncles children are very successful and yours must not be different, how you must begin to give account of your every movement for the next weeks… All these while kneeling down o, most likely with your two hands lifted up.

How beautiful… And the the Yoruba parents:

“Bola! E gbami o! Ah! Bola ti pa mi…” then she drags your shirt with two hands, jerking you forward and backwards. This is the best test of stamina because if you’re not careful at this point, you’ll so tumble, hit your head hard on the ground and koko will rise immediately… “Bola ki lo n so? You have a boyfriend? So that’s how you’ve been moving about with boys abi?”

Here, please employ your defense skills in boxing because what comes next is usually very deadly with the capacity of causing your brain to have a manual reset. The slaps!

The first one that comes is usually Ifoti that’ll make you start vomiting information, even the one that isn’t required. “mummy no o, it’s not like that. His name is Femi, I did not go to his house o. He was just following me in his car one time like that that you sent me to buy Akara. His elder brother is in America, his sister travelled to Germany last week…”. Then Igabju Oloye is what follows. This slap forces your brain to go into search mode; you’ll start looking for what hit you so hard and most likely not be able to say a word again. At this point, if you can run, run without thinking twice or stand the risk of losing your fine face.

OK,  enough of the drama. Our Nigerian parents are not so brutal. In fact,  they show the best kind of love afterwards by asking you if you have eaten, if you want more food or you want to go and buy Coke etc but here’s the point, Nigerian parents don’t joke with relationships!

No they don’t.


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